Thoughts.....Joannie Post 2

Okay, so I guess to keep the momentum going I will follow Jen's example and post again today....although don't count on a post a day from me!!!

I kind of agree with Elisha - this might be a little hard for me too as I hate being criticized by anyone except myself.  But at the same time I also thrive on that kind of negative attention.  I can do ANYTHING someone tries to tell me that I CAN'T.  I can BE ANYTHING that anyone tells me I CAN'T.  It is a super motivator for me, which can be great and horrible all at the same time.

I believe that all of our self worth issues have way more to do with emotions than any part of our body.  Does it help to fit into the norm of acceptable body shape, wit, and personality?  OF COURSE!  But it is not a requirement to be happy or to have love in your life!  It is a constantly active, hard working choice to accept yourself and be honest in your relationships, including the one with yourself.  If you can't tell I am the analyzer, over-thinker, psychology major of the family....and yes Mom I am the wisest - lol.  As for my self worth, I know what is attached to my issues as do my sisters....because I NEVER stop sharing :)

I struggle for a few key reasons - first ..... daddy issues.  This is a long story and will be reserved for another lengthy post, but let's just say that acceptance from some key male figures in my life has affected me since I was about five years old.  I must also say that I am blessed in this category as well, which sounds confusing I know - trust me I will clarify - right girls?

Another part of my struggle is that I have thyroid disease.  I am fairly stable now and have been able to maintain my weight, but it is a pain in the butt to try to lose any of it :(  I gained 80 pounds with my first pregnancy, 50 with my second, and then finally got a baby doctor who knew what was up.  He diagnosed me with the thyroid disorder and I only gained 25 with the last two pregnancies losing all the weight after rather quickly.  This is a constant frustrating struggle :(

One of the biggest issues for me made my struggle much more serious.  I was date raped right after high school when I was only 18 by a co-worker.  It changed the very core of me throwing me into a binge relationship at first with alcohol, then sex and then food.  I couldn't fill that hole often enough.  It was really a self punishment issue.  I was in complete denial about the truth of the incident and felt nothing but shame and guilt.  It wasn't until I went to a councilor to find out why I couldn't just be, without worrying all the time, binging all the time and trying to be perfect all the time that I discovered the depth of emotion I had connected to this incident.  This incident had stolen my illusion of control over life and the binging as well as OCD brings that control back to me allowing me to be calm if even for a second.  I was so blessed this past February to find a support group that allowed me to be completely honest with all of my dark emotions and find a peace I haven't had in 10 years.  I am so grateful to a man I barely know, Chris, for showing me that rape is rape - it is NEVER okay and that I am okay to feel the way I do about it all.  I am also super SUPER grateful for a husband who was key in helping me heal and feel whole again.  AND for these women....who at one point or another LISTENED!  Making me feel accepted with this darkness in tow.

***Deep Breath***  I think I am done for awhile.....