Time for honesty...

After reading Ashley's latest post and talking to Mom, I figured I had better post again. I won't speak for anyone else, but I definitely know how Ashley feels. I feel that I have come to grips with my shortness, I quit getting offended by short jokes, I've realized that its part of who I am and that I can't change it but, there are certain times when I absolutely hate being short. For example, on the rare occasion that I happen to be trying to find new clothes. I absolutely loath any sort of clothes shopping, unless it's for t-shirts or hoodies (those are easy to find and fit). It's not that I can't find my size, it's that even the stuff in my size is made for tall people. Case in point, Mom sent me a really cute outfit for Christmas and I tried it on and the shirt didn't look right on me. I mean come designers, I'm 4'10" make something for me that doesn't look like the petite stuff (it's not always cute) or make something that I don't have to hem! I can pick out 5 things to try on in my size and only come away with 1 thing that looks good on my body. Now, onto something that has been the bane of my existence for years (too dramatic?)....shoes. Not tennis shoes, or cheap Old Navy flip flops, but actual cute, girly shoes; which I can't always find because I have wide feet (thank you Dad for my short, squaty body) and if I can find a pair that I like, they don't always have wide sizes or I have to buy them a couple sizes up and they look weird...ugh. There are times, when I wish it was like on any show where you would snap your fingers or step into a machine or wiggle your nose or...you get the picture, and you would be instantly dressed and have hair and make-up done. Until then, I'll just keep praying to the dear Lord that I don't shrink!!

Love,
Elisha  

Dreams, Dresses, and.... Disappointment

Dear Everyone reading this,

This is a post to talk about why shopping sucks, at least for me.

My sisters might tell you I love to shop, but lately I’ve realized that unless it’s shopping for someone other than me I more or less only love the IDEA of shopping.  The epitome of dissatisfaction for me often involves shopping.  Not for shoes mind you, but for clothes – unless I’m having a “I look hot” day, and unfortunately, those don’t come near often enough. 

A few weeks ago I purchased tickets to attend the Moscow’s Russian Ballet’s rendition of the Nutcracker at a local performing arts theatre. This would be my first time at the ballet.  From the time I was a little girl I have dreamt of going to the Nutcracker.  I remember meeting the prima ballerina for Salt Lake City’s Ballet Company when I was somewhere in the neighborhood of six or seven at the mall signing autographs.  She was at the time dancing the part of Clara in the Nutcracker.   From that moment on I have always had a yearning to get dressed up in a beautiful gown (think Anastasia before she meets her grandma at the ballet) and go watch beautiful people dance in a beautiful way.  So I went shopping for a dress – wait not a dress- the dress.

This is where things got scary.. okay more like heart breaking.  I go in to try on dresses at a well known department store.  None of the dresses I initially picked out to try on fit.  They either would zip up past my chest or they were too tight in my shoulders.  My mom and I went back out to see if there were any others I could give a go.  She came back with awful mother of the bride dresses and persuaded me to try them on and to my surprise they fit. 

“How fabulous” I thought. “They only make ugly dresses in my size” 

To the other side of the store we went. I saw some lovely dresses hanging along a wall and began checking sizes.  Size 2, 0, a size 4, 6, another 2 etc. etc. etc.    Then I was angry. Nothing in the area was larger than a size 6.  And my mom …. Had to look at them all. All those tiny little clothes that the designer didn’t see fit to make for anyone with a fuller figure.

This was pretty much the way the rest of the day went.  I broke down crying in more than one dressing room and fought back tears when looking at racks of clothing for my size.  Then started crying again when I started thinking about how painful it must have been for my little sister to shop for a prom dress in high school.  It’s really frustrating and hard to find clothes at a store that fit me but I can still go into a Dillards and find something.

One of the hardest parts of the day was when my mom, trying her best to make me feel better, said that she knows what it’s like and that its hard for her to find clothes too, when I knew that in the first store there would have been numerous dresses that fit.

I conclude, that skinny people suck, shopping sucks more, department stores even MORE and what sucks most of all?  The designers and fashion houses and magazine editors that set often unattainable standards by making the only stylish look a thin one.

-Ashley

A little more about mom..

I have come a fair distance in the road we call life, I am no longer what would be called a spring chicken and that truely is a source of irritation for me one that I am trying to come to terms with.  I believe that each and everyone of us have one type of addiction or another, some are mild and don't cause any immediate harm while others can take us down the fast track to hell.  My 'addiction' if I were to have one stems from my intense fear of getting old and losing the youth that I took for granted.  And through this addiction comes the pathway for my poor relationship with food, if I eat what I think is too much or eat the wrong things or enjoy what I eat more than I should I feel out of control.  Now don't panic when you read this I really don't believe that I am anorexic but I do recognize that it's a very fine line and believe that it would be very easy to  be that way for me.  So to balance everything out I have a need to workout, to make sure that what I eat doesn't derail my control.
Wow....and people think I have it together :O)  I believe that anytime we recognize and acknowledge our behavior that is a step towards moving past it and ensuring that it doesn't take us away from those we love.  I don't think that just because I'm thin that I am any healthier than anyone who isn't, IN FACT; I was reading an article this past week about being fat skinny.  A good percentage of models and actressess are fat skinny, that is being thin but having more body fat than muscle and this can be a silent killer.  I do not want to be fat skinny...at one time I know I wasn't but now pretty sure that I probably am.  And that worries me...and it's the internal stuff that makes me worry about my daughters.  I could care less if they're a size 2 or a size 24, if they are internally healthy that's all that matters to me.  I know that a seditary life style does not do anything for being internally healthy, we have to move, we have to workout and it totally sucks!
But I do it or rather TRY to do it lately and I so wish that my desire to make myself sweat would make others want to as well, not only because it's good for us but because I would love to have someone encourage me to get up off the couch and keep moving!
In the end regardless of what we do as a parent our best intentions end up for whatever reason derailing those we love, and so the question of the day for me is....how do we encourage those we love in a way that actually moves them to movement

Samantha- Intro

  Well, my name is Samantha. I'm the middle sister, 25, currently living in New Mexico with my boyfriend of 7 years. Three days a week his son comes to live with us, he's 7 as well. We also have two cats and a dog, a pug.  My days stay pretty full; I work full time at an amazing bakery. I love my job so much, it brings me such joy and always makes me smile to see a pretty cake or cupcake. Even on the days when I don't want to talk to one more customer I still wouldn't trade it.  When I'm home it depends on the day. I try my best to clean the house and keep it that way but man do I hate it. I love everything at work clean; annoyingly so in fact, I would have no problem cleaning someone elses house but something about cleaning my house just seems so....horrible. When I'm home I like to just relax; sit and read a book, watch a movie, talk with my boy about anything and everything...sometimes cleaning can be therapeutic I suppose but that's usually when I'm irritated about something.
    I don't know that I would say I've dealt with much personal weight issue...maybe writing in this blog will help me figure that out. I tend to gain weight quickly and annoyingly on my thighs and stomach first; which is of course why those two areas are my least favorite about myself.  That and my knees...don't know why but I've never like those... I'm a bored eater and I find it hard to stop eating really good food. I like to drink a ton of water sometimes after I've eaten a fair amount so I won't keep going. It really helps me eat what I should and only that.  The bored eating...well I constantly struggle with that one, ongoing battle and all.
     I'm afraid I have to cut it short, we're about to leave for the in-laws house, so excited for Christmas! :-). I'm not sure yet how I feel about everyone and anyone reading personal feelings I have but I enjoy writing so I might post a ton...if I don't post before however, everyone have a Merry Christmas! Or a Happy Holiday depending on what you celebrate...or don't...Bye!

Thoughts.....Joannie Post 2

Okay, so I guess to keep the momentum going I will follow Jen's example and post again today....although don't count on a post a day from me!!!

I kind of agree with Elisha - this might be a little hard for me too as I hate being criticized by anyone except myself.  But at the same time I also thrive on that kind of negative attention.  I can do ANYTHING someone tries to tell me that I CAN'T.  I can BE ANYTHING that anyone tells me I CAN'T.  It is a super motivator for me, which can be great and horrible all at the same time.

I believe that all of our self worth issues have way more to do with emotions than any part of our body.  Does it help to fit into the norm of acceptable body shape, wit, and personality?  OF COURSE!  But it is not a requirement to be happy or to have love in your life!  It is a constantly active, hard working choice to accept yourself and be honest in your relationships, including the one with yourself.  If you can't tell I am the analyzer, over-thinker, psychology major of the family....and yes Mom I am the wisest - lol.  As for my self worth, I know what is attached to my issues as do my sisters....because I NEVER stop sharing :)

I struggle for a few key reasons - first ..... daddy issues.  This is a long story and will be reserved for another lengthy post, but let's just say that acceptance from some key male figures in my life has affected me since I was about five years old.  I must also say that I am blessed in this category as well, which sounds confusing I know - trust me I will clarify - right girls?

Another part of my struggle is that I have thyroid disease.  I am fairly stable now and have been able to maintain my weight, but it is a pain in the butt to try to lose any of it :(  I gained 80 pounds with my first pregnancy, 50 with my second, and then finally got a baby doctor who knew what was up.  He diagnosed me with the thyroid disorder and I only gained 25 with the last two pregnancies losing all the weight after rather quickly.  This is a constant frustrating struggle :(

One of the biggest issues for me made my struggle much more serious.  I was date raped right after high school when I was only 18 by a co-worker.  It changed the very core of me throwing me into a binge relationship at first with alcohol, then sex and then food.  I couldn't fill that hole often enough.  It was really a self punishment issue.  I was in complete denial about the truth of the incident and felt nothing but shame and guilt.  It wasn't until I went to a councilor to find out why I couldn't just be, without worrying all the time, binging all the time and trying to be perfect all the time that I discovered the depth of emotion I had connected to this incident.  This incident had stolen my illusion of control over life and the binging as well as OCD brings that control back to me allowing me to be calm if even for a second.  I was so blessed this past February to find a support group that allowed me to be completely honest with all of my dark emotions and find a peace I haven't had in 10 years.  I am so grateful to a man I barely know, Chris, for showing me that rape is rape - it is NEVER okay and that I am okay to feel the way I do about it all.  I am also super SUPER grateful for a husband who was key in helping me heal and feel whole again.  AND for these women....who at one point or another LISTENED!  Making me feel accepted with this darkness in tow.

***Deep Breath***  I think I am done for awhile.....